Finding THE ONE

Almost 50% of the American adult population is single.

That is undoubtedly the highest percentage in history.

Over 37% of men have never been married. That number is only 31% for women.

On the other hand, women are over three times more likely to have been widowed.

Source: https://www.census.gov/newsroom/stories/unmarried-single-americans-week.html

Source: https://www.census.gov/newsroom/stories/unmarried-single-americans-week.html

Only 34% of Blacks are married.

61% of Asians, 46% of Hispanics and 53% of Whites are married.

It is probably not surprising that out of wedlock births generally track the marital status by race.

70% of African American babies are born to unmarried women. Less than 12% of Asian babies are.

 

The median age of first marriages has increased pretty dramatically since the 1950's and 1960's.

Source: https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/families-and-households/ms-2.pdf

Women married on average around age 20 in that era.

The median age for women marrying today is eight years later.  

For men, the median age for a first marriage is now over age 30.

I have a lot of friends with daughters in their 30's who are not yet married. These are for the most part attractive, college-educated women. They have good jobs and are interested in finding the right guy. The common complaint is there are not enough quality young men 

It is not an imaginary concern.

I have written before about the worrying imbalance between men and women who are college-educated.

Why is that a problem?

Women have historically tended to date and marry men of at least equal educational attainment. However, that is becoming an increasingly difficult goal today. Almost 60% of college graduates are now women. Only 40% are men. This is true for almost all college degree programs. Doctorate degrees are a little more balanced but women still earn more than half of those degrees.

This translates into the fact that many women below the age of 40 are earning more than their male counterparts because of the educational imbalance. 

You would think that it shouldn't matter but it seems that it is pretty important.

CNBC.com wrote about the problem in a story titled "Millennial women are 'worried', 'ashamed' of out-earning boyfriends and husbands" about five years ago.

There is also data that supports the fact that when the woman earns more than the man in the marriage, the odds of the marriage ending in divorce increases.

The problem is that even though the world has changed our basic biology and the way the male and female brains are wired has not changed with it. There are primal emotions deep within us that dictate a lot about what we are looking for in a mate.

Many marriage experts will tell you that the most important factor that a woman is looking for in a husband is security. Women want to feel secure that they will be protected and cared for. Men, on the other hand, are looking most for respect. They want to have the respect of their wife.

Do you see a potential problem when the wife is out-earning the husband in the house considering these underlying factors in marriage involving men and women? How does the wife feel secure? How does the husband feel respected?

Where does that leave a young woman in her 30's looking for a tall, dark, handsome and financially stable potential mate in the dating scene today?

I recently came across a website that calculates the odds that a woman can find the man of their dreams based on various parameters (age, race, height and income) in the U.S. Census Bureau data.

For example, let's take a 30's something young woman who is looking for an unmarried male (any race) between the ages of 30-45, at least 6 feet tall and making at least $80k.

The probability that a guy between the ages of 30-45 meets those standards is 1.3%.

Source: https://igotstandardsbro.com/

If you limit the search to just white men in that age range the probability drops to 1.0%.

If you are willing to accept someone making $40k the odds increase to 2.7%.

If you are willing to accept someone who is at least 5'7" tall and making $40k that is going to describe 10.3% of the men in that age range.

Saying that it is hard for a woman in her 30's to find the man of her dreams is not in her imagination.

There is also a calculator that men can use called the Male Reality Calculator.

A 40 year male is not immune from the laws of probability when it comes to finding a woman of his dreams if their standards are too high.

A 40-year old male who is looking for a single woman without children between the ages of 25-40, between 4' 11" and 5'8'', not overweight, and making at least $80k per year (so there is a chance they have been paying their student debt off) has worse odds than the 30's age woman.

.601%. That is well less than 1 in 100 odds.

Source: https://realitycalc.com/

To put those odds in perspective, compare that probability to a 65-year old widow who is looking for a 60-80 year old male that has income of at least $100,000.

This traditionally is thought to be a very tough spot for a woman to be in looking for a mate. There are many more women in this age demographic compared to men based on longevity tables.

However, the 65-year widow's probability to find the ideal man is over three times better than the 40-year guy above with the standards he has on his list.

Source: https://igotstandardsbro.com/

If the 40-year is willing to consider a female who is overweight (but not obese) and makes at least $60k per year he can increase his odds to those of the 65 year old widow above.

Source: https://realitycalc.com/

To those of you blessed to have your soul mate with you, give them an extra big hug today. 

You won a major life lottery.

For others, reality bites at times. The playing field is not level. It never was. It never will be.

However, the beauty of probabilities is that it only takes ONE to be the ONE.

Never lose hope.

At the same time, understand your reality and make decisions that are not based on delusions.

When thinking about reality it also makes sense for a lot more young people to be looking to be getting married in their 20's than in their 30's.

It has become popular for many to say they want to focus on their career or play the field before thinking about settling down.

However, the reality is that the person you marry, or who becomes the mother or father of your child, is the most important decision you will make in your life. It is more important than your career or any wild oats you sowed along the way.

The probabilities are much greater that you will find THE ONE the earlier you are open to the possibility. 

Make the numbers work in your favor.